You Want To Restrict My Speech?

Fuck you. Fuck your attempts to silence me. Fuck your attempts to legislate what can and cannot be said and how it is to be said. Fuck you for lying about us as you go about slandering people and wishing death upon them. And kamikazeefuck you with a circus midget’s stuntcock for ghoulishly trying to exploit a tragedy to further your goals.

I am still fucking here, will never stay silent, and will only surrender my speech in the molon fucking labe fashion, and no amount of bungefuckery on your end can and will change that. And that must fucking gall you to no end, hence your lashing out today. And that fucking makes me the happiest motherfucker on the fucking planet, watching you act like a three year old because you didn’t initially get the political pop you thought you would.

So fuck you and the horse that fucked you along the way.

If You Plan On Transporting Nuclear Weapons

You might not want this to happen.

The Air Force blamed “driver and safety observer error” for the July 31 incident. The truck carrying the booster for the unarmed Minuteman III intercontinental ballistic missile tipped over on a gravel road while being transported from the Minot Air Force Base to a launch facility 70 miles southwest. Two airmen were in the truck, which was accompanied by a security convoy.

“There were no injuries and the accident posed no danger to the public,” the Air Force said in a statement.

The rocket booster and truck remained at the side of the road until Aug. 10, while investigators assessed the crash site.

Air Force spokeswoman Maj. Laurie A. Arellano said the recovery cost of $5.6 million included damage to the truck and its cargo.

“Inadequate gravel road training programs and the inability of 91st Missile Wing engineering personnel to accurately determine the safe load-bearing width of gravel roads along designated routes also contributed to the accident,” the Air Force statement said.

The Air Force said the booster rocket is 66 feet long and weighs 75,000 pounds while the vehicle, trailer and rocket booster weighed more than 70 tons.

“While preparing to make a left turn, the driver and safety observer maneuvered the loaded tractor-trailer beyond the right edge of the reinforced gravel roadway and shoulder,” the Air Force statement said.

“Basically, the procedure for large trucks is that they’re supposed to drive in the middle of the gravel road,” Arellano said.

If You Want To Collect Cow Farts

Ask Argentina how to do it.

I Love Magic!

If You Want To Blame Your Pet Dog For Something

Don’t try to blame it for this.

His partner called the ambulance herself, saying the dog had bitten off and eaten his genitals.

Knocked out after taking a cocktail of alcohol and medicine, the man had no recollection of the incident. Seriously traumatised, he is currently in a psychiatric hospital

If You Have Ever Found A Buried Coin In Your Backyard

These Swedish boys have you beat.

A day later, archaeologists from the National Heritage Board arrived at the site with metal detectors and were quickly able to find two clay vessels containing more than 7,000 silver coins dating from around 1300 AD.

“I never thought I’d experience anything like this,” archaeologist Mats Anglert told The Local.

The coins were primarily from Denmark and England, he said, although there were also a number of rare coins from parts of modern day Germany and the Netherlands.

“I suspect we may have doubled the number of English coins from the Middle Ages ever found in Sweden,” said Anglert, who estimated that 1,200 of the coins had come from across the North Sea.

English sterling coins were used as something of a global currency at the time, said the archaeologist.

“The ones we found were in their own separate container,” said Anglert.

He could only speculate as to why the vessels had been buried underground.

“We’re going to continue digging now and hope that we find out more about the context surrounding the coins.

If You Try To Burglarize A House With A 95-Year-Old Woman Living In It

Try to avoid this lady.

“There was busted glass where they had busted out. She had blood on her. There was glass in her hair.”

Bartlesville police say 46-year-old Robert Horsley smashed the glass on the disabled woman’s door and reached through, but she fought back.

“He was pretty chewed up and one knuckle was almost gone”, said Bartlesville police officer Tom Holland.

After an hour-and-a-half of the woman fighting back, officers say the man passed out and that was her chance to call 911. “What do you tell your friends in county jail, where did you get those wounds? I don’t know that he’s going to tell them he got them from a 95-year-old lady confined to a wheel chair.”

Police suspect it will be a long time before anyone trespasses on her property and neighbors like Gerri call her a hero. “She’s very sweet. She doesn’t want to go to the nursing home and she’s doing a pretty good job protecting herself.”

If You Thought Your Latest Flight Was Scary

Check this out.

I don’t know if this is legitimate or not, but it sure is scary.

If You Want A Python To Eat You

Just do what this genius did.

Teresa Rossiter had reached into a cage Thursday to show the huge snake to a customer when it bit her right hand and coiled around her left arm to throw her to the floor.

A friend who happened to be at the store kept the snake off her neck and body while police were called. And when Sgt. Ryan Nelson rushed into the store, he was ready to kill the snake with his knife.

If You Own An Expensive Violin

Don’t lose it on the train.

When the train approached his stop in Bedwyn, Wiltshire, the retired shipping consultant picked up his coat and briefcase … but not the violin.

It was only as Mr Napier stood on the platform watching the 125mph London to Taunton express disappearing into the distance that it dawned on him he was missing something.

‘It was just an awful sinking feeling when I realised what I had done,’ he said. ‘I have relived that moment again and again, the absolutely awful split second when I realised the train was steaming off and the violin was still on it. I had picked up my coat and my briefcase, but the violin was in the luggage rack above my seat. It is like losing an Old Master.’

Mr Napier immediately contacted police and railway staff and the train was searched when it arrived in Taunton. But the violin had vanished and has not been seen since.

It was made in Venice in 1698 by Matteo Goffriller, a master craftsman whose instruments have been played by some of the world’s greatest musicians, including violinist Nicolo Paganini and cellist Jacqueline du Pré.