On Apologies And Such

My training and upbringing taught me to accept an apology when someone slanders and maligns me. My training and upbringing taught me to turn the other cheek when someone slaps me. My upbringing has taught me to be the “better man” and not let words get to me. And my upbringing has taught me to forgive and forget. And normally, I try my best to do follow those words.

But I was at best a poor student in those lessons. And now that the fucknozzle who shouted death threats at some political opponent in Tucson had a companion issue an “apology”, I recalled my training, and issue this response:

Fuck Civility!

Really?

Well, fuck civility. First chair fuck it from the woodwind section in the middle of a command performance of Toccata and Fuck. Fuck those who try to tell us, after years of slander, beatings, lies, and false accusations from the left, we need to fucking be nice now that they have lost. Fuck the belief that being nice while the other side refuses to hold back will work. And lawnfuck on a frozen day with a snow shovel anybody who dares lecture us about civility after the shit thrown at us for years by those now begging us to play nice.

You know who fucking wants to be civil? Fucking losers, that’s who. Those weak willed, goatsegramming, assjiggling, snails up their widened asses, that’s who. Those people who blanche at the sight of people demanding their voices be heard, that’s who. And those fuckfurters with relish who want to tell us everything will be all fucky-dory, so long as we fucking let them tell us how to act and live. And these are the people who wind up sliding us into statism, so fuck them forever with used toilet paper after I had a batch of macho Nachos.

When I read about the desires of many on the left to have us become a regulated, state-run society, I look in on the two most precious things I know as they sleep. One of those is the daughter of mine who is a gift from above and made in the image of all that is perfect, who has the potential to shape history, so long as she has the opportunity to do so, and is what G-d above meant when he was pleased with his handiwork. The other is the one I abandoned all others for, the one for whom I still crave every night as if it were two nights before our wedding (heh!), who I promised to always be my happily ever after, and who bore my children who died before birth, who live, and who are yet to come. As I watch over them, do you flaccid fuckmuscles stuck in the fuckzipper of fuckheadedness really believe I will accommodate and yield anything to those who wish to harm them? Well, rockfuck you with an algae fucked fucktwig if you think so.

No, I will not yield to those who seek to destroy those I value more than my life itself. I will not yield an inch to those who wish to control and regulate my family’s life. I will not yield an inch to those who wish death upon me for my views. I will not yield until they are driven from the plains forever. And “civility” to those who wish to destroy everything around me is merely the first step. So fuck your false calls for civility. Fuck your sham moderation. Fuck your calls for me to be anything less than vigilant against your schemes. And amoebafuck you until you dehydrate for trying to push this shit upon us.

Hope! Change! Job Losses!

Fuck you, liberals. Look at what you have done.

If You Want To See Australian Footballers Treat Women

Check out this story where a player was attacking women with a rubber phallus.

Video footage of the incident taken on a mobile phone was posted on YouTube today.

“Fev had a foot-long dildo hanging out of his pink muu-muu in full public view outside the bar,” said a witness who asked not to be named.

“I saw him hit a couple of girls on the head with it.

“It was a bit off-putting.”

Women’s Forum Australia director Melinda Tankard Reist said Fevola’s actions were inappropriate.

“Women should be able to walk freely in public spaces without being sexually harassed in this way,” she said.

“This is just another example of the sort of foul behaviour which brings the game into disrepute.

“He should be immediately disciplined by the club.”

If You Want To Compete In A Bog Snorkelling Event

Just talk to these folks.

Despite the rain, which turned the car park into something resembling a bog, hundreds of people turned out to witness the eccentric spectacle in Llanwrtyd Wells, Powys, Mid Wales.

Organiser Sheelagh Tompkins said: “This is one of those wacky events you’ve got to do once in your life.

“I think people have been inspired by the Olympics. There are lots of serious competitors, and many of them come back year after year.

“It’s been wonderful, and some of the costumes have been unbelievable. Everyone has had a fantastic time.”

Competitors came to the event from as far afield as Australia.

Some took part in their pyjamas, some in camouflage – and one man even had an ironing board and iron strapped to his back.

The winner of this year’s event was 23-year-old Conor Murphy, from Portadown, Northern Ireland.

If You Live Next To A Pair Of Amorous Gibbons

Expect weird noises to come forth.

Seven-year-old Duana was the first to come to Bristol, from the Fota Wildlife Park in Cork, in November. Samuel, 11, followed a few weeks later from Twycross Zoo in Leicestershire.

But some locals complained that their sleep was being interrupted by the pair’s early morning mating rituals, which include a love duet. Environmental health officers from Bristol City Council spent several mornings monitoring the singing and upheld the complaints.

Phyllis Farmer, a retired nutritional chemist who lives near the zoo, said: “The gibbons are very noisy at daybreak and in the evening. The female, in particular, makes a very distinctive call.

“There was no one supervising them after 6pm and they more or less had the run of the place. There is a school very close to the zoo and they must hear them all the time. I wondered if one of the pupils sitting exams might be bright enough to write on his paper that he couldn’t concentrate because of the noise.”

Dr David Chivers, a reader in primate biology at the University of Cambridge, defended the gibbons, which are also known as lesser apes. “These people are lucky they can hear them,” he said. “These are pretty rare animals and there aren’t that many people in the country who have the chance to hear a pair of dueting gibbons. It is a beautiful and melodic symphony.”

Dr Susan Cheyne, who works at the Wildlife Conservation Research Unit at Oxford University, said: “It’s not as if you are being woken up by a screaming bark, it’s a complicated set of notes with specific parts from the male and female. It is a lovely sound. It is the sound that is most akin to human singing.

“If you’re shutting them in an enclosed space, unless it has proper acoustic dampening, you’re going to damage their eardrums. So unless they’re going to redesign their house it is disastrous.”

Persuading a gibbon to stay indoors, however, is no easy task, the zoo has found. Managers are considering modifying the
house door so that it opens only one way, or installing a remote-control door. The measures are detailed in a letter to the council from Bristol Zoo, a copy of which has been obtained by The Sunday Telegraph. John Partridge, the zoo’s senior curator of animals, said: “For animal management and welfare reasons we don’t routinely shut our animals into their indoor housing at night. We have agreed to confine them to their house at least three times each week although they are very difficult to trap inside.”

If You Jump Into A Police Officer’s Car

Expect jail time to follow.

About 3 a.m. Friday, Senior Deputy Jerry Wollenschlaeger came upon a black Jeep Cherokee parked near Hawthorne Avenue SE and State Street.

A man identified as Evan David Thomas Adams, 19, of West Salem was walking away from the Jeep. Thinking the man was having car trouble, Wollenschlaeger pulled up alongside him and rolled down the patrol car’s passenger window to ask him what was wrong.

“He seemed like a nice guy, and the next thing you know, he’s jumping into the patrol car,” Wollenschlaeger said.

The man lunged across toward Wollenschlaeger, who unfastened his seat belt, opened his driver’s side door and pinned the man down.

Wollenschlaeger said the two shared a short conversation that went something like this:

“What’s the matter with you?”

“I’m high on mushrooms, dude.”

The man continued to struggle, and the fight spilled out of the vehicle and into the southbound lanes of Hawthorne Avenue. Meanwhile, Wollenschlaeger’s police dog, Yo, remained enclosed in the backseat.

While still holding on to the man, Wollenschlaeger reached for his radio-operated door opener to let out Yo and gave orders to bite the man.

Salem police Cpl. Don Parise arrived to help, and the man was placed in handcuffs.

Adams was arrested on charges of assaulting a police officer, interfering with a police animal, second-degree criminal mischief, driving under the influence of intoxicants and unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, said Undersheriff Jason Myers, a sheriff’s spokesman.

If You Want To See An Elephant Do Math

Then today is your lucky day.

For example, when researcher Naoko Irie-Sugimoto dropped three apples into one bucket and one apple into a second, then four more apples into the first and five into the second, Ashya correctly identified that the first bucket contained more apples and began munching on her tasty prize.

Ashya and her companions chose the correct bucket 74% of the time. “I even get confused when I’m dropping the bait,” Irie told New Scientist magazine.

The elephants’ counting abilities are far from unique. Chimps, salamanders and pigeons have shown numerical abilities in lab tests, but what is more impressive for the elephants is that their ability to distinguish between two figures does not get worse when those numbers are more similar.

The elephants that Irie-Sugimoto tested were as good at telling the difference between five and six as they were at distinguishing between five and one.

She presented her findings last week at the International Society for Behavioral Ecology’s annual meeting in Ithaca, New York.

It is not obvious why elephants should need this mathematical faculty in the wild. “It really is tough to figure out why [elephants] would need to count,” said Mya Thompson, an ecologist at Cornell University who studies elephants.

Cow Vs Bear. Who Ya Got?

You may be in for a surprise with this story.

Nancy Dayton said Apple is loving and docile and comes when she’s called. “Apple, Apple! Hi, girl! You hungry? Yeah. You want an apple? There you go girl. Here you go!” said Dayton.

The heifer doesn’t seem particularly brave or fierce. Next door neighbor Jack McDonald said, “She’s very sweet, very loving, but she has an identity crisis, she thinks she’s a dog!”

And a watch dog at that. You don’t want to get between Apple and her favorite tree. Sunday evening, McDonald heard a ruckus in the apple tree, “Thought I was going to break up a cat fight, went outside, pushed some branches away, and said hi to Mr. Bear.”

As McDonald retreated in fear, Apple came out to investigate. He said, “The bear climbed up on the fence and then pretty soon Apple and the bear were nose to nose, having fun.” But when the bear jumped off the fence and into her favorite tree, Apple decided the fun was over.

Dayton said, “We think she might have just been getting a little territorial and the bear hopped down and she chased him out of the pasture. She sat there bellowing at him as he ran off, I think to say, “And keep away from my apples, by gosh!”

Today, Apple seems unphased by all the attention. Even though she’s on TV and on the front page of the paper, Dayton said she’s still the same sweet girl, “It hasn’t gone to her head yet, that she’s a star, but who knows, she could be demanding more apples you know, more bushels!!

If You Want To See Attractive Spanish Rhythmic Gymnasts Pose For A Magazine

Meet Almudena Cid Tostado.

The Nike-sponsored model, and Barcelona resident, is scheduled to perform in the individual rhythmic gymnastics event starting on August 21s, but isn’t favored to medal. No worries. She’s totally a champ with us. Maybe not a World Champ, but definitely a regional winner, or something. Check out her new photo spread in the August issue of Spain’s FHM. What? Like you really have something better to do at the office today?