Baseball Bat+Molotov Cocktail=Predictable Results

Darwin smiles approvingly

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If You Plan On Diving Into A Frozen Lake

Try to do better than this guy

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If You Want To Know Who Should Be Kept Away From Animals

Try this guy.

People outside the shelter were shocked to hear what someone has been doing to the animals.

“It’s pretty sick. I think I can’t even fathom somebody doing that,” said one woman who was at the shelter.

Detectives are hoping the suspect may have left evidence that will lead to his arrest.

“The animal did go through a SANE exam, which is similar to what a victim would go through in a rape case. That evidence hasn’t been processed yet, so I don’t know if there is any DNA evidence there,” said Sergeant Rachel Azbill.

If You Want To Know Who Attended Strip Clubs While Denver

It wasn’t convention goers.

Michelle Horning, a dancer at La Boheme, said business is slower this week than normal because there is a big lull in customers in the evenings during the political speeches.

She said last week was good when politicians’ advance teams were in town ahead of the convention.

The Custom Electronic Design and Installation Association show hits the Colorado Convention Center starting Wednesday.

“If the DNC is a bust, then the CEDIA will pick us up,” Horning said.

Business at another club, the Diamond Cabaret, has remained steady, employees said, despite several road closures due to protests that shut off the club’s valet parking.

Horning said exotic dancers from across the country, expecting large crowds because of the Democratic National Convention, contacted La Boheme in the past several weeks hoping to dance this week. Management turned them down, however, opting to let the club’s more tenured dancers take the stage.

If You Want To See Britney Spears Lip Synch On Stage

Here you go.

If You Plan On Celebrating Your Birthday Naked

Just ask this guy how to do it.

Marco Island police officers responded to a call about a man lying in the roadway by the Goodland Bridge on July 30, 2007, and found him swimming naked. So they called the Collier County Sheriff’s Office, which sent a corporal and a boat from its marine unit.

Cpl. Michael Kovar called out to the man, who was sitting in shallow water about 100 feet away from the bridge, but he refused to go to shore and appeared intoxicated, screaming at himself and splashing, according to arrest reports. Kovar headed out in the boat and plucked him from the water.

The man repeatedly refused to disclose his name. Kovar handcuffed him for safety reasons and the man spit on the boat. When Kovar told him to stop, he spit in Kovar’s face, so the corporal turned him away from him as they headed to shore.

After more prompting, Humphrey relented and said he was Jesus Christ.

If You Try To Siphon Gas

Try to do better than this guy.

The man was using an electric vacuum cleaner to siphon gas from a 5-gallon drum into his work van in the parking lot of an apartment in the 31300 block of 107th Place Southeast in Auburn. The activity sparked a fire, which quickly spread under the van.

The flames burned a garage and townhouse, the fire authority reported. The occupants tried to contain the blaze until firefighters arrived.

The van was destroyed. The townhouse sustained minor damage.

If You Want To Draft A Fantasy Football Team

These guys tell you who will cause you great stress.

Brian Westbrook: “Hi! Just to let you know, I’m going to spend all my time this year being downgraded from Questionable to Doubtful on Saturday, only to run and catch for 100 yards each the next day! Then, the next week, I’ll find a new, hidden, surprise nagging injury that really will keep me out, even though it’s the one week I’m not on the injury report!” Fuck you, you bastard. I’ve never met anyone from Villanofun worth liking.

Frank Gore: With Mike Martz in town, you two get to be overrated together! I’m also excited about the prospect of Deshaun Foster spelling Gore for a series or two for no real reason, at which point I’ll shout out, “Hey, the fuck is Foster doing there?” No one fucks a backfield quite like that guy.

Ryan Grant: Much as I loathe Brett Favre, the prospect of every Green Bay skill position player turning to complete shit in the wake of his departure seems all too likely. YAY.

Greg Jennings: Ditto.

Michael Turner: I had Jerious Norwood in a keeper league last year. He ran for six yards every time he touched the ball. His reward for being productive was about 2 goddamn carries a game. And now here comes Turner to be the man in that offense. But I guarantee you: Mike Smith can’t be any dumber of a coach than Bobby Crackerbumfuck. Norwood will get on the field just enough to make you blind with hate towards all parties involved.

The Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams Miami Shitpie

.34 BAC+Passed Out In Front Seat+Twin Daughters In Car=Mother Of The Year

And it’s not the first time this has happened.

Police said it’s amazing that Brenda Super, 49, was even able to drive at all. Her blood-alcohol content was allegedly measured at .34, more than eight times the legal limit of .08. At that level, authorities say, most people wouldn’t be able to walk.

Super was allegedly found slumped over the steering wheel of her car, which was parked on a curb. Her twin daughters were sitting in the back seats, and an open bottle of vodka was in the front seat, according to police.

Super was arrested for another DUI in June. That case is still pending.

If You Hate Jay Mariotti

Just note he will no longer be writing for the Chicago Sun-Times.

He said that he “is talking with a lot of Web sites” and added that the future of his business “sadly is not in newspapers.” Mariotti said that he sent a resignation letter to Cyrus Freidheim, Sun-Times Media Group Chief Executive and Sun-Times Publisher. When asked via email by the Tribune whether Mariotti had resigned, Sun-Times Editor Michael Cooke responded, “You’re kidding?”