If You Mix Cubs And White Sox Fans At A Sesame Street Birthday Party

Expect bad things to happen.

The men are accused of beating 32-year-old Robert Steele of Gurnee during a 2-year-old girl’s Sesame Street-themed birthday party.

Police said Monday the men were drinking alcohol at the July 19th party and taunting Steele.

They say Steele was kicked in the head and his nose was broken. He stayed several days at an Elgin hospital.

Thirty-one-year-old Jaroslaw Czapla, 37-year-old Boguslaw Czapla and 33-year-old Maciej Trojnar face mob action and aggravated battery charges.

Thanks to Dolla Bill

If You Are An Underage Collegiate Football Player Who Happens To Be At A Bar

Try to do better than these University of Virginia Guys.

Before Virginia Tech fans begin photoshopping pictures of the offending players in all sorts of amazing and interesting poses, let me at least interject the fact here that Club 216, the gay bar in question, is technically a “private club.” This is a common dodge once employed by bars here in Atlanta: call yourself “a club,” charge for a “membership fee” complete with card, and then stay open much later than public bars, Places like Club 216 often do a thriving business as after-hours bars, which likely explains why football players–not known for being models of forward-thinking tolerance of all lifestyles–would be there. They had beer, and they were open.

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That.

If You Want To Meet A Hard Drinking Tree Shrew

Your wishes have been granted.

The pen-tailed tree shrew, which is indigenous to the rainforests of Malaysia and southern Thailand was found to have a taste for palm beer, but according to Frank Wiens and Annette Zitzmann from the University of Bayreuth in Bavaria the animal‘s unique physiology means it never gets tipsy.

The furry drinker spends more than two hours each night slugging back fermented flower nectar of bertam palm trees. The research sheds new light on alcohol abuse in humans because the tree shrew, looking like a large mouse with a long feathered tail, is closely related to primates.

“It spends more time (drinking) than looking for any other type of nourishment,” Wiens said, who along with an international research team, reported the findings this week in the Proceedings of the US National Academy of Sciences. “Considering the amount of alcohol they consume they should be drunk every third night. But they aren‘t.”

Prince Charles Might Want To Keep Up With Current Pop Culture

Especially when booking talent for Prince Harry’s birthday party.

The generously-eared royal met the gothic flasher at the toff-infested Cartier International Polo Tournament at the Guards Club in Windsor, London.

Charmed by her alabaster assets, he asked what she did for a living and Dita, 35, replied: “I’m a dancer.”

This vague job description failed to convey that her act involves giving a rhythmic biology lesson in a giant martini glass and doing the sort of things to a massive olive which are illegal in most countries.

Perhaps buoyed by the sun and Pimms and presuming her performance involved a cheeky Charleston, Chazza invited her to perform at Prince Harry’s 24th birthday.

Our man said: “Poor Charles was so embarrassed when he realised what he’d done. He genuinely had no idea about her raunchy stage act.

“She was stunned when he suggested the idea, explaining that his son loved a good dance.

“But he gnawed his fist to within an inch of its knuckle when his aides explained what sort of dancing she did for a living.”

We’re sure Prince Harry will forgive his old man when the burlesque performer toasts his big day with a giant glass of champagne garnished with her own breasties.

Talking of Harrys, Harry Potter star Emma Watson, 18, was at the posh party.

The saucy beggar spent the evening with her head cocked to one side while Prince William lookalike Francis Boulle poured oily words of seduction into her ear.

Later that night, young Francis entertained Emma by making unsavoury human organs from the balloons in the Chinawhite Tent.

If You Feel Compelled To Remove A Tattoo With Scissors

Expect bad things to happen.

According to police, several tattoos were taken off completely, while others were partially removed.

Police remain uncertain as to the relationship between the two men and the victim, and are still searching for a motive in the case.

“We have no motive, no exact crime location or time,” said police spokesperson Sven-Erik Karlsson told Oskarshamns Tidningen.

“The two who have been arrested aren’t exactly talking themselves to death, so to speak.”

Injuries to the man with the missing tattoos were not life threatening, and he was able to leave the hospital after being bandaged up by doctors, said Karlsson.

He was reportedly heavily intoxicated at the time of the attack, and has been unwilling to cooperate with police in their investigation.

If You Think Your Wedding Was Interesting

These folks have you beat.

“The bride and other guests weren’t shy about mixing it up,” the paper said.

By the time the police showed the brawl had ended, however, the mood at the wedding was anything but festive. Officers couldn’t determine what exactly sparked the massive fight, but everyone throwing punches was apparently under the influence of alcohol.

If You Want To Know Where To Take Alcoholics For Therapy

A bar is probably not the best idea.

The counselor, Mark Nelson, 47, of Prairie Farm, alleges he was pushed out of his job shortly after he filed his complaint about the incident. A Department of Corrections spokesman said officials did not retaliate against him.

Nelson said it was unethical for officers to take alcoholic inmates to Ready Randy’s Sports Bar & Grill in New Richmond — to hear a motivational speaker — since most of them will be barred from going into establishments where alcohol is served when they are released.

Top officials at the St. Croix Correctional Center approved the jaunt, saying inmates were closely supervised and could not get alcohol. They said they wanted inmates to hear an uplifting speech by motivational speaker Dick Hoyt.

“This was a rare, special opportunity for a motivational speaker,” Superintendent Jo Skalski said. “(The inmates) are very thankful. It was very inspiring to them.”

Nelson disagreed, saying, “Quite frankly, I don’t care if Mother Teresa is speaking. You don’t take inmates to a bar.”

If You Want To Attend A Japanese Navel Celebration

Just go to Shibukawa.

“The belly button is traditionally believed to be located in the middle of the body and the most important part. Our town, Shibukawa, is also called the belly button of Japan, and that is how this festival began,” said festival organizer Kazuo Yamada.

The festival is based on a traditional Japanese form of entertainment where revelers paint a face on their torsos and stomachs and pretend it is a head.

A kimono is then wrapped around the waist and the person’s real head is hidden by a large cloth hat. The belly button is traditionally painted into a mouth.

These days, modern motifs and Japanese anime designs have crept in to the festival, which city officials said is all about having fun.

“It’s about everyone doing something together. But it’s essentially pretty silly so it’s just about having fun and going for the ride,” said Hironori Kanou, a 26-year-old city hall employee who was walking around with a painted belly.

If You Feel Compelled To Use Your Pants As A Weapon

Don’t be surprised when jailarity ensues.

A woman and her friends said they caught the man hitting another woman and intervened. When they did, he charged at the entire group, according to his arrest report.

At some point, he “removed his khaki cargo shorts leaving him only in his undershorts” and began swinging them around, a deputy wrote.

He hit one of the women in her right upper thigh, leaving it red, according to the report.

If You Bring Your Chihuahuas To A Nude Beach

Expect bad things to happen.

The dogs ran ashore towards a nude beach, and deputies said it was then the naked suspect started hitting them with a collapsible, police-type baton.

Then, officers said 74-year-old Donald Kenney, of Vancouver, advanced towards the victim with a can of mace and the raised baton. The victim fell backwards as Kenney pummeled him with the baton in the head, torso and legs, police said. He suffered bruises and saw a doctor for the injuries.

The victim gave police a description of the attacker and Kenney was arrested Friday after police found his car parked nearby the scene of the attack.