If You Walk Into A Store Naked At 3AM

Expect to get arrested.

According to police, Schatte approached a 20-year-old woman, pulled up her shirt and tried to pull down her skirt before the woman’s boyfriend intervened and escorted Schatte outside.

According to arrest papers, Schatte grabbed a jug of windshield washer fluid outside the store and threw it at the woman’s rescuer, then fled north on North Queen Street.

Police say they spotted the naked man a block away in the 300 block of East Burd Street, and took him into custody after two attempts to flee.
On-Call District Judge Paula Correal arraigned Schatte on charges of indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, retail theft and harassment and jailed him in lieu of $2,500 bail.

If You Want To Know How Many T-Bone Steaks You Can Stuff Into Your Pants

Ask this guy. But, sadly, it was not all fun and games.

A different man, Christopher Penn, 41, of Springfield Township, allegedly stuffed eight T-bones down his pants at a Marsh supermarket, putting the old record to shame and landing himself behind bars on a theft charge.

According to police and court records, Penn selected the packages of meat, packed them against his 215-pound body and tried to walk out of the Colerain Township store just after 7 p.m. Store security stopped him and revealed the $77.29 worth of steak in his pants.

If You Want To Surf Near A Volcano

Here is how to do it.

But not in the case of pro-surfer C J Kanuha, who grabbed his board and paddled out to sea to get a closer look as the lava of the world’s most active volcano, Kilauea, hit the waters.

Tentative at first, the adrenalin-junkie paddled to within 20ft of the lava, before moving back from water that reached 200C in places, melting the wax on his surfboard and burning his feet in the process.

If You Want To Collect Cow Farts

Ask Argentina how to do it.

If You Want To Ride A Motorcycle In India

Try to top this.

Where Not To Go To Summer Camp

Especially if this guy is still there.

Police say it took several shots with a Taser to bring down 26-year-old Michael Feld of Brooklyn, N.Y., early Monday.

It all started when a resident found Feld in his house around 5 a.m., wearing only pants. Police said Feld ran outside, took off his pants and refused to stop when confronted by Officer Kathleen Boulter. Investigators say Boulter zapped the naked man with her Taser and that he tackled her to the ground, breaking her elbow, and then tried to choke her.

The homeowner knocked Feld off the officer. Other officers caught up to Feld, and Tasered him again before getting him in custody.

I Love Karate!

If You Feel Compelled To Call 911 From A “Gentleman’s Club”

Try not to get arrested.

But when officers arrived, Ballam wasn’t satisfied.

So he called 911 again, demanding different officers come, according to an arrest affidavit that gives the Tampa Police Department’s account of what happened:

Shortly after 2:20 a.m., Ballam, 30, of 205 N. 22nd St., made an emergency phone call claiming he had lost some money. When officers arrived, they found an intoxicated Ballam. He gave police conflicting statements. Police determined no crime was committed and told him to leave the club.

He didn’t leave.

Ballam was told several more times to leave. Still inside the club, he called 911 again, demanding that a different set of officers respond.

At this point the officers at the scene told him not to call 911 again or he would be arrested.

Ballam finally left the club, but as he was walking out he called 911 again. Dispatchers contacted police, who arrested Ballam.

But not before Ballam put up a struggle as he was being handcuffed.

If Somebody Steals The Money You Just Stole

Don’t call the cops.

Police said, early Friday morning, John Opperman-Green robbed a 7-Eleven on Orange Blossom Trail. When he left the store, he tried to get a ride with some men he didn’t know. They robbed him of the money he had stolen and that’s when he called police.

While he was being questioned, Opperman-Green implicated himself in the 7-Eleven robbery and the robbery of a Mobil gas station the day before.

If You Like Group Dinners

Stay away from Big Daddy Drew.

And for you people who like to order coffee at the end of a meal: EAT A PILE OF SHIT. It’s 10PM. What the fuck do you need coffee for? Order a straight bourbon like the rest of the civilized world. When I go to a group dinner, I am ALWAYS the first person to stand up, as a way of signaling to people that it’s time to end the meal. Otherwise, people just sit there for time eternal. God dammit.

No more group dinners, people. Okay? If you want to eat in large groups, throw a Bar Mitzvah. Otherwise, we’re all going to Super Chicken. Pay at the register for your own crap. Shithead.