If You Want To See Some Ugly Sports Stars

Here is your chance.

If You Want To See Ashley Harkleroad Pose Naked In A Magazine

You may get your wish soon enough. It seems the female tennis star will shed her clothes for cash.

Now if I were Harkleroad’s agent, I’m not sure I would advise against her posing. It could lead to modeling opportunities and raise her profile outside tennis. That’s certainly not happening with her game.

If You Plan On Blasting Madonna Music All The Time

Don’t be surprised when you get arrested.

After three years of complaints from her neighbours, the mother of three was handed an anti-social behaviour order in February, banning her from playing loud music at her home in Rishton, Lancashire.

Having breached the order 11 times, Kirby was sentenced to 90 days in prison after probation officers said she would not respond to another court order.

Kirby’s neighbour Dave Schofield, 33, who shares his home with girlfriend Karen Lee, 28, and 11-year-old daughter Jordan-Louise, said: ‘At its height this woman played Madonna and rave music at full blast at all times of the day and night.

‘She loves her karaoke, too, but she screams a lot and obviously can’t sing.

‘Our daughter woke up because her bed was vibrating from the noise. It was that loud.

‘It has affected Karen’s work because she couldn’t sleep at night and was still tired in the morning.

‘We’ve lived here for about four years and it has been going on for about three.’

Hyndburn Council served a noise abatement notice on Kirby in October 2006 after residents’ diaries showed how she continually pumped up the volume while playing Madonna songs.

Last year, noise officers were called to her home again over reports of yet more loud music and she admitted borrowing a ‘little stereo’ from a friend.

If You Are A Sailor Who Wants To Hail A Cab

Don’t do what these guys did.

According to the Lake County Sheriff’s Office, sailors Aaron Couch, 21, of Monroe, La., and Terry Gappa, 20, of Plymouth, Mass., hailed a cab near Chicago’s Union Station and told the driver to take them to the Great Lakes Naval Station.

As the cabbie was approaching Great Lakes, the sailors told him to pull over and let them take over the cab, or they would kill him, Sheriff’s Deputy Chief Kevin Parker said. They did not display a weapon.

The cabdriver, who worked for Chicago Carriage Cab, said he pulled over on an unknown street sometime before 10 p.m. and Gappa began driving, with the cabbie in the passenger seat and Couch in the back. The men — who police say already appeared inebriated — stopped at Jewel-Osco on Hunt Club Road in Gurnee, and Couch ran in to buy beer.

They then began driving north on Hunt Club. While they were driving the cabbie became concerned for his safety, because Gappa was driving erratically. As the cab began to slow near Thoroughbred Drive, the cabbie jumped out and ran to nearby home where police were called, Parker said.

At the same time police were called to a car fire at a subdivision just north of Wadsworth Road, said Sheriff Mark Curran.

Great Lakes Naval Station? Isn’t that where the Navy has its Basic Training for new Sailors? If so, were these guys recruits?

Italian Soccer Practice Is Boring

That is, until the strippers arrive.

Red Sox Fans Are Normal

Getting your child baptized at Fenway Park?

If You Try To Stuff 23 Packs Of Beef Jerky Down Your Pants

Expect to get arrested.

A bystander at the gas station told officers Boston punched him four times for no reason. Two clerks also reported that Boston went to the meat section and they heard “rustling around.”

“The clerks said that Jerry came to the counter to pay for one hot sausage and they could see five more sticking out of his pants,” the report states.

When one clerk tried to call the police, Boston called her a lesbian and told her to “be cool” because he had to feed his kids, the report states.

If Your Dog Likes To Urinate On Lightposts

Then stay away from this one.

Celia Sing says she was taking her 7-year-old Siberian Husky, Sebastian, for a a walk on Sunday near her apartment in Long Island City when he stopped at the pole.

Sing says her dog fell to the ground and began shaking uncontrollably before dying right in front of her eyes.

Because of the holiday weekend, Sing says she was unable to get answers from the Department of Transportation. The light pole was replaced on Monday.

If You Hire A Nude Maid To Clean Your House

Secure the valuables.

Deputies tell ABCActionNews.com a Cheval resident hired a nude maid from Craigslist to clean his home because his wife was out of town.

The victim believes the maid cleaned him out while cleaning the bedroom. Deputies say the victim’s wife discovered her jewelry missing when she returned to her clean home.

Deputies are now looking for the maid to question her in the disappearance of the jewelry.

The victim provided the woman’s web site along with a brief description of her appearance.

If You Respond To A Break-In And Nab A Dead Turkey Instead Of A Person

You are not alone.

Officer Paula Hensell was conducting checks on local businesses Sunday morning when she noticed that a business’s front window had been shattered, the police department said in a statement.

Hensell entered the store assuming a burglar was still inside, but instead found a wild turkey lying dead on a table.