If You Want To Catch A Baseball While Holding Your Child

Take lessons from this guy.

If You Want 23 Cent Pizza

Cleveland is the place to go.

Here is the entire release from Papa John’s:
“The response to the 23-cent pizza offer in Cleveland, Columbus, Toledo, Youngstown and the surrounding areas has been terrific. We salute Cleveland fans for coming out in incredible numbers and showing their support for their hometown team.

As a mid-day update, even though we prepared our stores to make more than 75,000 pizzas today, this great response may mean we’ll run out of product and if we do our restaurants will close for the balance of the day. If we do run through the supply, by then we will all have helped raise a lot of money for the LeBron James Family Foundation.

If you are calling our restaurants and receiving a busy signal or no answer, we apologize and appreciate your patience. The call volume is tremendous.

Papa John’s appreciates the positive response.”

If You Want To See Kyle Orton Drunk Yet Again

Today is your lucky day.

Today’s Story About A College Football Player Stealing A Dead Girl’s Identity

Brought to you by the U. of Florida.

Quoth EDSBS:

Jamar Hornsby of Florida followed this unique plan for mourning the loss of a teammate and a Florida student closely enough: somehow, after the death of Florida walk-on Michael Guilford and Florida student Ashley Slonina in a motorcycle wreck in October 2007, Slonina’s credit card ended up in the hands of Hornsby, who then revered the memory of the young lady by purchasing goods on the credit card for six months. Slonina’s parents finally noticed recently, and an investigation led to the beyond-classy Hornsby.

Man! I Can’t Get Enough Stories About Cross Dressing Lawyers From New Zealand!

And here is why.

“I don’t take people on. I’ve never done that, ever. I take on issues.”

He will turn 70 in October, but the battles are not over.

“I’ve got tons of energy,” he says.

He is still fighting for sacked Radio New Zealand boss Lynne Snowdon and is working on a case, similar to the Waugh case, that will soon become public. And he’s writing a book entitled Shit Justice.

He is, he says, an “ordinary heterosexual”, married for 25 years, a father of three. The cross-dressing is something he has always done, something he is very comfortable with.

“I’ve always regarded myself as a bit of a hybrid in a lot of ways.

I’m a normal male, obviously, but I’ve got enormous respect for the feminine values. Everybody’s different in their sexuality.

I don’t believe it’s just a male or female distinction. It’s a continuum from one to the other.”

If You Love Seeing A Cow Defecate Live On TV

Here is your chance.

If You Plan To Commit An Armed Invasion

Make sure you know who is in the building before entering.

Three armed gangland “soldiers” suffered a serious defeat at the hands of police when they tried to carry on a blood feud with rivals in a crowded gym.

A court heard that the trio barged into the weights room and punched a member of an opposing gang, before threatening him with a sub-machinegun in front of shocked onlookers.

But the members of Manchester’s Gooch Close gang did not realise uniformed police officers were next door in the leisure centre, giving a talk on the dangers of gun crime.

If Your Town Builds A Tornado Shelter

Make sure it is unlocked.

“The Alma Police Department has a key to it, and when the sirens sound, a police officer comes down here and unlocks the building,” said Alma Superintendent David Woolly.

But that is not what happened Wednesday night.

“You can’t always count on an officer being close by, and they may be five minutes away, and you don’t want that five-minute delay. You want it unlocked when the first person gets here,” Woolly said.

Wednesday night, Heather Barber and her three children were among those locked out, while police were busy tending to a wreck.

“If I knew it wasn’t going to be open, I would have went somewhere else instead of waiting outside in the storm with my children,” Barber said.

Alma officials will be looking into a system that will automatically unlock the storm shelter when the sirens sound, officials said.

Until then, residents will have to wait for someone with a key.

If You Need To Perform A Tracheotomy On Yourself

This guy can show you how to do it.

Wilder said he didn’t call 911 because he didn’t think help would arrive in time. So, the 55-year-old says, he got a steak knife from the kitchen and made a small hole in his throat, allowing air to gush in.

Wilder suffered from throat cancer and related breathing problems several years ago. About that time, he had an episode where he couldn’t breath because his air passages swelled shut. He said that’s what happened this time around.

If You Want To Pay Outrageous Prices For Beer At Oktoberfest

It looks as though this will be your year.

“It has definitely reached a range where consumers will need to think about how to keep things in proportion,” tourism chief Gabriele Weishäupl said, punning in German on the word ‘maß,’ which can mean a litre or a proportion.

In recent months, grain prices have been spiralling, in part because of growing demand for biofuels to help combat climate change but also because strong demand from developing countries and extreme weather.

This is a true tragedy.