Happy Passover!

If You Break Into An “Adult” Store

You never know what you could steal.

All it took was a rock and a little patience for the thief to make off with a rubberized copy of Jameson, one of the world’s most famous porn actresses, who has carved out an empire in the world of erotica films and products.

Video surveillance tape shot from inside The Erogenous Zone at 2449 E. Orangethorpe Ave. about 4 a.m. April 15 shows a man throwing a rock at the store’s glass front door.

When the rock bounces off without breaking the glass, the burglar throws the rock again. Apparently frustrated, he walks over to the display window and throws the rock. This time the glass shatters, and he walks in.

But the burglar’s luck doesn’t get any better. Video shows him try to break into the store’s cash register, but it wouldn’t open for him.

Instead of giving up altogether, he looks around, and makes his selection – a Jenna Jameson body double made of Ultra Realistic skin – and walks out of the store.

If You Want To Operate On Yourself Without Anaesthetic

This guy can tell you how to do it.

The hypnotherapist amazed doctors by asking how things were going halfway through the surgery, at Worthing Hospital in West Sussex on Wednesday.

He said he could hear his surgeon talking as he made a four-inch-long cut into his right wrist and chiselled the bone to move a tendon.

The married father-of-one, who lives in the town, said: “It took me about 30 seconds to put myself under and I wasn’t aware of any part of my body apart from my arm.

“I could feel the surgeon pulling and manipulating me – then I heard the cracking of bones.

“I heard him say, ‘Can I have the saw please?’ and imagined him holding this great big thing in his hand. But fortunately he then said ‘I think we’ll use the smaller one.’”

“He used a hammer and chisel at one stage and I could hear him hammering away at the bone.

If You Want To Set Your Pants On Fire

Just use THE TASER.

The incident is under review by Ontario’s Special Investigations Unit, which probes all police-related deaths and serious injuries. According to the SIU, police were called to a Queenston Road apartment in Hamilton’s east end around 9 p.m. Thursday.

“Three officers went there in response to a disturbance call,” said SIU spokesman Frank Phillips yesterday. “During the interaction, an officer discharged his Taser. A flammable object the man had in the waistband of his pants ignited.”

The man, 31, was burned on his hand and thigh. He was taken to Hamilton General Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

Yet Another Example Why Life On The Water Is Awesome