If You Buy “Authentic” Sports Swag Online

Make sure it’s legitimate and not a phony. And here is an example of some guy trying to pass off a “game worn” jersey from the Cincinnati Bengals that obviously is fake.

If You Want To See Drunken Sailors From The Ukraine

Come to Baltimore.

Maryland Chesapeake Bay pilots sought Coast Guard assistance after learning several crew members were intoxicated while they were navigating out of the bay.

A bay pilot demanded Master Wojciech Kowalski, 63, find a sober sailor to man the wheelhouse, authorities said. But prosecutors said Volodym Voychenko, 45, smelled of alcohol and shoved the pilot before threatening the pilot with a large knife.

Those arrested Friday include Kowalski of Poland and Second Officer Yevgen Bystrov, 39, from Ukraine. Two seaman Sergey Prokofyev, 37, of Russia, Voychenko of Ukraine, and oiler Yuri Shelkunov, 29, of Ukraine were charged.

Prokofyev, Shelkunov, Bystrov and Voychenko were charged with operating the vessel while intoxicated. Kowalski was charged with making false statements, failing to make sure the boat was properly manned and failing to notify the Coast Guard it wasn’t properly manned.

If You Are Naked And Trying To Stab A Cop

Don’t be surprised when the cop shoots you.

When police arrived, they found Morton naked, knocking on the door of a house in the neighborhood, said Camden County Prosecutor’s Office spokesman Jason Laughlin.

Morton and the female officer got into a physical altercation, and then the second officer on the scene shot Morton several times, killing him, Laughlin said.

“There was a struggle that involved a gun,” he said.

Laughlin said it is not known whether the female officer, a 15-year veteran of the force whose name is not being released, was shot by her fellow officer in a friendly fire incident or whether Morton managed to obtain her gun and shoot her.

If A Stripper Kicks You In The Head During A Lap Dance

Just suck it up and soldier on.

Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden and was getting a paid lap dance when the accident occurred early Nov. 2, 2007.

According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him “serious injuries.”

Today’s Example Of Stupid Soccer Fans

Thanks to this site.

Yawn. Another Lawnmower/DUI Story

But the photo is worth its weight in gold.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Today’s St. Patty’s Day Moronofest!

Brought to you in dynamic Technicolor by Sinistar.

If You Are A German Politician Who Likes To Pose Nude

Don’t be shocked if it doesn’t go well for you.

“I’m disappointed and after the meeting I shed bitter tears at home,” said Auras on Saturday. She wants to stay true to her party and doesn’t think the actions of the local association reflect standard SPD opinion, she continued. “This is just an uptight local chapter.”

Pressure that came from predominantly female members of the association forced Auras to withdraw her candidature because of the lascivious photos. The association encouraged Auras to remove the photos or give up her relatively hopeless 11th place ranking on the candidate list.

Auras moved to the small town of just 16,500 residents last year and joined the SPD. When the photo scandal broke, Auras announced she would still run in the local elections, provided her SPD critics would excuse the issue. But Friday’s meeting did not yield the forgiveness Auras had hoped for.

Local party chapter leader Margit Giszas, who found the photos online and forwarded them to other party members, told reporters that she didn’t need to excuse the photos because she hadn’t attacked Auras.Giszas also said she would not run in the race if Auras was nominated because she wouldn’t want to be associated with the photos.

If You Want To Buy A Painting From A German Orangutan

You better open up your wallet.

Düsseldorf art agency Fundart-21 markets the paintings as a fundraising project called “affenBRUT” on their website, said agency founder Heinz Hachel. The agency actively engages the question of whether art created by primates actually deserves to be called “art,” but Hachel says the works are, at the very least, an expression of “rudimentary aesthetic competence.” The fascination for these photos, Hachel said, lies in the way they exhibit the roots of human aesthetic and creativity. Each painting sells for between €100 and €900, and some 40 have sold since October, 2007.