If You Own A Chicken Manure Catapult

Make sure it works properly.

He had been motivated to bring the giant rusting catapult back into action after arsonists set his offices alight last month, causing £2,000 worth of damage.

“I am a bit disappointed,” said the eccentric businessman, who previously used the contraption to fling his wife Mary – a self-proclaimed stuntwoman – across the River Avon.

He added: “I thought it would have gone a bit further than that. We obviously need more power. I have broken the elastic so we will have to go back to the drawing board.”

Realising the anti-climax, Mr Weston-Webb turned on his heels and marched the pack of reporters to his office, where he had a miniature version capable of firing eggs on standby.

That demonstration was more successful, with a cameraman having to duck two flying eggs.

“It brings a whole new meaning to the term free-range,” said Mr Weston-Webb. He is now thinking about marketing the device on his website at a cost of £50 each.

But not everyone has been so impressed with his desire to daub anyone caught breaking into his property with chicken manure.

After Mr Weston-Webb outlined his intentions 10 days ago – which had originally included adapting a human cannon to fire a sharpened railway sleeper (he still wants to fit it with a Taser) – Notts Police sent round two armed officers to remind him what the law considered to be reasonable grounds for self-defence.