If You See A Racoon On Your Porch

Try not to chase it too vigorously.

The 1979 Rangers Were Awesome

Maybe I Should Rethink My Fitness Routine

Despite my fat-ass appearance, I love to exercise. The endorphins I feel after a 5k run or some yoga beat almost anything else out there. Add to it the fact I don’t smoke, eat fairly healthy, limit my booze intake to my “blogging hours”, when the rest of the house is asleep, I should live forever, right?

Well, maybe. Maybe not. I am starting to get the impression that while certain lifestyle choices may speed up an early demise, genetics plays a key role. Why do I say that?

Here is why. This guy is 101 and plans to run a marathon. And how does he plan on handling himself after the race?

Martin, who had 17 children and returned to work at the age of 99 saying he was bored after two years of retirement, would beat the previous record for world’s oldest marathon runner by eight years.

“If I finish, I’ll do what I always do and have a pint and a fag[cigarette],” he said. “People ask what is my secret but I haven’t got one. They say fags [cigarettes]and booze are bad for you — but I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Well said, sir. Well said. Looks as though smoking didn’t hurt this chap. And knowing my luck, I’ll drop over tomorrow, and this old bastard will live another five years.

If You Think You Have Had A Rough Week

This guy has you beat.

Adrenaline coursed through him. Of all times to have his car stolen. He’d just had surgery the week before to remove a tumor on his skull. And nearly $2,000 worth of tools — Schoenleber studies marine carpentry — were in the car when it disappeared from his Queen Anne apartment complex.

Schoenleber held on to the hope the car would resurface. The day after it was stolen, police spotted two men sleeping in the car in South Lake Union and moved in. But the driver woke up and got away after a brief chase.

A week later, as Schoenleber was idly looking out the window of the Metro bus, “I was like, ‘Holy [expletive]! There’s my car!”

Soon, three patrol cars arrived and boxed in the Honda behind the convenience store. But the driver — a wanted felon with a long criminal history — was undaunted.

He smashed through the police-car barricade, gunned the accelerator and headed south on Fourth Avenue North, records show. The street is one-way northbound.

Schoenleber watched debris fly and smoke rise from his car tires.

“I was holding my hands over my face,” he said. “I was thinking, ‘This is insane.’ “

A chase ensued. The driver clipped a car on Denny Way and drove in a “dangerous and reckless” manner through downtown streets, records show. The suspects headed up Queen Anne Hill and crashed the Honda through metal posts at the entrance of Kinnear Park.

The hood popped open and the driver couldn’t see, according to the police report. He pushed on, driving down a pedestrian path until he lost control and hit an embankment. The passenger surrendered, but the driver, who tried to escape, had to be Tasered, the report says. Both were arrested

If You Love To Sing John Denver Songs Karaoke Style

Try not to annoy people with it, or else this may happen to you.

He said he was so furious with their awful singing that he did not notice he had murdered his own brother-in-law.

“I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them. I had told them if I couldn’t talk sense into them I would come back and finish them off,” he added.

Mr Chumkamnerd, who works as a rubber tapper, was arrested after going on the run after his killing spree in the townn of Hat Yai, near the Malaysian border.

If You Want To Have A Goth Style Wedding

Take some cues from these folks.

Arcade worker Julie, who arrived to the nupitals in a coffin and hearse, said their wedding seemed “like the most natural thing to do.”

Julie, nicknamed Morticia by friends, walked her husband down the aisle with none other than a dog lead and said they decided to tie the knot after first meeting 27 years ago.

“We went our separate ways when we were young, married other people and had children,” she told the Mirror.

“But then we bumped into each other last year and realised we were meant to be together.

“So the first thing I did was put a dog collar around his neck and say ‘It’s taken me this long to get you, I’m not letting you escape now’.”

More than 100 guests attended the register office wedding in Wakefiled, Yorkshire, and Julie’s wedding coffin now takes pride of place as her lounge room coffee table.

If You Are A Swedish Civil Servant

Picking up Russian hookers is not the best idea.

The man is reported to be a senior manager in the civil service and a respected member of the sports movement in Sundsvall, the town in northern Sweden where he lives.

Police arrested the man in a room at the Sheraton hotel in Stockholm in January. The man made contact with the Russian prostitute, who is known as Irina, in the bar of the hotel under the watchful eye of plainclothes police.

The police had been called to the hotel by security staff who had witnessed several Russian prostitutes at work on the premises.

The Sundsvall civil servant and the prostitute had stripped naked and $300 had changed hands when the police knocked on the door, writes Sundsvalls Tidning.

The man has been served with a fine by the prosecutor and been ordered to pay 13,200 kronor ($2,200) for the attempted purchase of sexual services.

The man is reported to be highly respected in his department which has its head office in Sundsvall. The man travels to Stockholm regularly with work. He did not claim expenses for travel for the night in question.

Smooth move, chief.

If You Want To See A Mountain Lion Chase Some Goats In Montana

Here you go.

If You Want To Have An Excuse To Start Drinking

Just claim it is for your own good.

Many studies have shown that light to moderate drinkers are healthier than teetotalers, but every time, the researchers have cautioned that there is no reason for the abstinent to start drinking.

Now there may be, said King.

“This study certainly shifts the balance a little bit,” King said in a telephone interview.

King’s team studied the medical records of 7,697 people between 45 and 64 who began as non-drinkers as part of a larger study. Over 10 years, 6 percent of these volunteers began drinking, King’s team reported in the American Journal of Medicine.

King said he does not know why some of the volunteers started drinking. “This was a natural experiment,” he said.

“Over the next four years we tracked the new drinkers and when we compared them to the persistent non-drinkers, there was a 38 percent drop in new cardiovascular disease.”

The findings held even when the researchers factored in heart disease risks such as smoking, high blood pressure, obesity, race, education levels, exercise and cholesterol.

Several of the volunteers had more than one risk factor and still benefited from adding alcohol, King said.

Today’s Celebrity Paternity Suit News

It seems the Germans are obsessed with Knut the Polar Bear. So much so, different factions are fighting over who is the parent of the bear and who deserves money for the paternity.

Fifteen-month old Knut helped bring in 5 million euros ($7.66 million) to the Berlin Zoo in 2007 thanks to a flood of visitors and sales of Knut-branded merchandise.

But a smaller Zoo in Neumuenster, north Germany, said on Friday it should also have a slice of the pie because it lent Berlin Lars, the bear which fathered Knut.

“We have ownership rights over Knut and they have profited using our property,” said Neumuenster Zoo Director Peter Druewa.

“We are first and foremost interested in finding a solution outside of the courts,” he added. Berlin Zoo refused to comment.