If You Are A Chinese Sportscaster

Make sure you don’t cheat on your wife.

She approached the podium, took the microphone and announced to the surprised crowd that two hours before she had discovered Zhang had been having “an improper relationship with another woman”.

As a gobsmacked Zhang hesitated, his wife began a simple appeal to the country’s sense of honour.

“Today is a special day for The Olympics Channel, and it’s a special day for Zhang Bin, and it’s a special day for me too,” she said.

She then quoted a French politician critical of the Games who said that if China’s “values” didn’t improve, they would have been for nothing.

“That French foreign diplomat also said ‘until China is able to start exporting its values, it won’t be able to become a great power’,” she said.

“Yet Zhang Bin can’t even face up to his own hurt wife. I think China, to succeed as a great power… Don’t any of you have any conscience?! Let go of me! We’re very far from being a great country.”

If You Want To Throw A New Year’s Party

Here are a few pointers.

The Next Time You Go Skiing

Watch out for SWD (Skiing While Drunk).

One in five people who admitted they had skied under the influence of alcohol said they had had an accident, and one in 25 said they had caused serious injury to either themselves or someone else.

Dr Guy Ratcliffe, medical director of the Medical Council on Alcohol, said: “Alcohol makes people less inhibited, which in turn can make them more prepared to take risks.

“In ski resorts, where people are often drinking at lunchtime and then returning to the slopes, there are obvious dangers that could be caused by over-confident people taking more risks than they usually would.

If You Plan On Robbing Houses

Make sure you don’t fall asleep.

The occupant of the residence told police he discovered Hazell asleep, holding the occupant’s loaded .22-caliber handgun. A number of the occupant’s personal items were on the bed with Hazell, the spokesman said.

According to the spokesman, Hazell first broke into another occupied dwelling on McKinnon Street and took some items; he then found an oyster knife on one of two nearby vehicles he allegedly burglarized. Hazell allegedly used the oyster knife to break into the Armstrong Street residence and had gathered a number of items on the bed before passing out

If You Have Been Wondering Where Your Lawn Ornaments Are

Ask this guy.

Officers said the suspect had been stealing items like decorations, lawn furniture and statues from people’s yards since last summer.

Police said the stolen items were located in the front yard of a home on Albert Avenue in Edison.

Man, I Love Working Out!

The Brady Bunch Dad Liked To Write Memos

And he hated most of the scripts.

Asshole Anti-War Jerkoff Keys The Car Of Marine About To Deploy

And what is the most galling is that the bastard is trying to use every legal loophole available to avoid facing the consequences for his actions.

As it turns out, the man is Chicago lawyer Jay R. Grodner, who owns a law firm in the city and has offices in the suburbs.

After sending the car to the body shop, it was determined there is $2400 in damage, making this a felony. Mike went to court Friday morning to collect the damages against Mr. Grodner and file felony charges. Though the damages are over $300 (the amount which determines felony or misdemeanor) Grodner offered Mike to pay his deductible, $100, and have Mike’s insurance pay for it.

The Illinois States Attorneys tried to coerce Mike into accepting the offer. Appalled, Mike said he wanted this to be a felony. The state told Mike that it was not worth pursuing felony damage against Grodner because they don’t have the time. In addition, the state prosecutors told him that he would never it ‘would be difficult to recover the damages’ from Grodner because he is a lawyer.

Instead, the State asked Mike if he would accept probation for Grodner. Mike accepted, probation was offered to Grodner, and Grodner declined the offer, saying within ear shot of Mike, “I’m not going to make it easy on this kid”. Mike’s next court date is tomorrow, Monday, December 31st, to pursue misdemeanor charges against Grodner.

Mike’s leave is over on January 2nd when he reports to Camp Pendleton before heading to Iraq.

Jay Grodner knows this and is going to file for a continuance until Mike is gone and cannot appear in court.

By account of the Illinois State’s Attorneys, Grodner is likely to get away with defacing Mike’s car with no penalty because, 1) Mike is about to deploy to Iraq and will not be available to appear in court, and 2) Grodner is a lawyer and can get out of this very easily.

Thanks to Ace for leading me to this outrage.

Let’s Play Air Hockey!

Need To Remove That Old Basketball Pole?

Try this!