If You Want To Steal Christmas Decorations

At least do a better job than this guy.

Michael Allard, 39, is charged with felony burglary and misdemeanor theft for allegedly breaking into the Pink Grizzly on Wyoming Street and loading the property into a shopping cart.

Shane Clouse, owner of the Pink Grizzly, reported the burglary after he spotted Allard with a cart full of items he recognized as his own. Clouse later saw two of his Christmas trees in Allard’s yard and stacks of wreaths in the entryway of his trailer.

When a sheriff’s deputy responded to the nearby residence, he noticed the trees and wreaths, then saw Allard inside making additional wreaths.

If You Want To Be Punched In The Face While Sleeping

I have just the guy to do it for you.

Levi J. Long, 28, was arrested early in the morning of Nov. 20 when a man who lives at a house on East Edison Street said he awoke about 3 a.m. to find Long in his bedroom, a Tucson Police Department report says.
The man, who was not identified in the police report, said the intruder punched him before he was able to force the intruder out of the room. The man then locked his bedroom door and called police, the report says.

If You Want Another Reason To Hate Canadians

It seems their beer fridges are causing Global Warming.

The problem is that the beer fridges are mostly decades-old machines that began their second careers as beverage dispensers when Canadians upgraded to more energy-efficient models to store whatever Canadians eat besides doughnuts and poutine.

University of Alberta researcher Denise Young, who led the study, suggests that provincial authorities hold beer-fridge buy-backs or round-ups to eliminate the threat — methods that Americans use to get guns off the streets.

Thanks to Ace’s Janitor

If You Botch A Suicide Attempt

Then this guy should be your role model.

He was taken to Broadlawns Medical Center for treatment while officers confiscated the sword, a battle ax, several other swords, a spear and medieval scissors.

Dude! You’re doing it wrong.

If You Are Worried About Rough Police Tactics

Then don’t read this story.

According to his statement, the deputies left him in the restraint chair for an hour. Then a sergeant came in to question him. When the sergeant didn’t get the answers he wanted, he ordered that Faulk be left in the chair.

Faulk said the next two hours were excruciating.

There was a drain on the floor of the holding cell that could be flushed like a toilet in case an inmate soiled the area. It made a loud flushing sound.

The investigation showed that over the course of three hours, corrections officers flushed the drain 11 times for no reason with Mahoney responsible for eight of the flushes.

If You Really Hate Meteorologists

This guy should be your hero.

“Look, doctor, you’ve made these forecasts and you were wrong once,” Rosen said. “You made the forecast and you were wrong twice. Are you going to continue to make these forecasts?”

If You Enjoy Seeing Naked Homeless Men Playing The Guitar

Then San Francisco is the place to be.

“Apparently, he was on top of his van naked for about 10 or 15 minutes,” said Deputy District Attorney Morley Pitt. “He told the police that he was from San Francisco and that he was extremely hot _ and he just got naked.”

“He said that type of action is encouraged in San Francisco,” Pitt added.

Law enforcement was alerted by a convention center employee who “called the cops and said, ‘There’s a naked guy on top of a purple van playing the guitar – and that kind of got the cops’ attention,” Pitt said.

And this guy ran for mayor as well.