If You Get Attacked By A Shark

You better hope a dolphin is around to save you

If You Have Old, Unused Pills

Wrap them in kitty litter.

If You Want To Learn About The Sex Lives Of Married Australian Couples

Some scientist is doing a study on that topic.

While this study involves taking notes and keeping a journal (?!?), there is one fellow who is hurting bad:

A Brisbane man reports he was so fed up with always having to be the one to initiate sex in their marriage that he turned to his wife and said “I’ll make no more advances until you ask me.” That was eight years ago and they haven’t had sex since.

Oops. So, what happened to his involvement in the study?

With no prospect of sex on his agenda, the Brisbane bloke was forced to bow out, although his sex history is now part of Arndt’s growing collection.

Double Oops!

When You Celebrate Your 102nd Birthday

You may not want to receive a jury summons.

If The Engine Falls Off Your Plane

You may not want to attempt to get it in the air.

If You Want To Know Where The “Dell Dude” Is Today

He is waiting tables in some restaraunt.

If You Enjoy Throwing Cakes At Ministers

Then Norway is the place for you.

WWI Memoirs Discovered

And they actually are pretty funny.

In them, he details his annoyance at being woken up by pointless edicts from headquarters asking him how many socks his men have.

“I reply 141 and a half. I then go to sleep; back comes a memo: “please explain at once how you come to be deficient of one sock”. I reply “man lost his leg”. That’s how we make the Huns sit up.”

If You Call 9-1-1

Make sure it’s a legitimate call and not a request for beer.

If You Like Wine Made In Kansas

Then you are at odds with the Governor of The Sunflower State.